Oh, the dichotomies of life..
When Loneliness Strikes….
I thought this would never happen to me. I thought I would never be truly ‘lonely’ and would never be desperate for companionship. Now I am beginning to realize that things change and not everything can be controlled.
After a particular episode in my life, I feared something like this would happen after a point of time; that I would crave company and wouldn’t be able to suppress/repress my belongingness needs.
It’s very difficult for me to confess about this and noticing these recent changes in myself makes me feel weak. I have always convinced myself that I do not need anyone else. I am good enough for myself. I do not need another person to make me feel good about myself, or a shoulder to lean on, or someone who cares about me. Due to certain recent experiences I am seeing a change in my thinking pattern and am not liking it. I am Imagining irrational elaborate scenarios that may never actually happen and ngaging in too much wishful thinking, again. I am afraid this ‘change’ will make me too desperate and I won’t be able to hold myself down. Sometimes its just the way someone talks to you which makes you feel special. I have to remind myself not to feel ‘too special’. I have to force myself not to over-think about stuff because I don’t want to go through heartbreak again.
I have always held the belief that until I find someone amazing without my deliberate attempts and something extraordinary happens and there’s lots passion and love and loyalty and acceptance, I wouldn’t settle for anything less. People tell me that’s a ridiculous thing to think and I will probably end up alone (forever). So be it! I am not scared to be alone, I tell them. Not everyone who is alone is sad, I tell them.
Now I don’t know if things are changing or it is just a temporary phase. Well I do hope it’s a phase which will pass soon.
PS: I like being strong and self-sufficient. I hate living in self-pity. And feeling the way I’m feeling now makes me uncomfortable.
I urge people to watch and share this video.
I got goosebumps while watching.
I am a big procrastinator. I humbly agree. No arguments there. Why you ask? Because I finally decided to write this post on 30th July but ended up writing nothing except the word Vartika in the title :P
This one’s for you Vartika , Also known as Autistica (by me mostly :P). I have multiple reasons for writing this post . Firstly, Friendships day passes a few days back. Secondly, I had promised a post dedicated to you LONG back. Yes, I do remember and may be you had forgotten about it! Thirdly, you’ve moved to UK and have started a whole new life.
Okay so let us begin.
It was a boring lecture going on in our college. I was relatively new and was sitting alone in the corner of the classroom, secretly munching parle-G biscuits from my bag in order to fight my hunger and boredom. You, a skinny spectacled quirky girl, walked in the middle of the lecture as a ‘new student’ in our B.A Honors Psychology class. You instinctively sat beside me as I had an empty chair beside me ( and because of Destiny I believe :P ). This is how we first met and the rest is history.
My first impression of you was of a studious and weird personality ( I find 99.99% people “weird” initially so..chill). We weren’t exactly friends until that event sponsored by Pepsi in our college (You remember??). All of us were dancing and that was the time we both sort of ‘clicked’ for the first time. I hope you remember our over-enthusiastic dance moves :P
We became PG mates in the second year and roommates in the final year of college. Staying under the same roof and going to the same college, same classes for two years led to solidification of this dosti. I always found you extremely eccentric, quirky, peculiar etc. Still do and you know that very well :P I mean come on who cries while *ooping ? :P Eventually I realized how much our wavelengths matched and how much better you were from everyone else (and I accepted you despite your weirdness ;) ).
I remember how we used to spend hours and hours indulging in grave discussions. Even during the crucial examination times!! Our discussions included a wide range of topics from our faulty education system, gossip about classmates, music, sharing the same likes and dislikes, childhood stories, elaborate future planning (mostly day dreaming),to the meaning of life. If you look back you’ll see how MUCH we’ve talked! Especially when we had an exam the next day! Those pointless and endless discussions were so much fun! I have to admit, I do miss them sometimes.
And of course… how can I forget those random outbursts of the inner dancer in you? Or should I say “item girl”? :P I can never forget how much you loved dancing. I was watching all my phone videos and my youtube videos the other day, only to find that most of the videos are your dancing videos! :P I still cringe when I think about that unfortunate period of time when you and Monika used to listen to super irritating c-grade punjabi songs all the time!! ALL the time!! Uff. AND, The constant struggles to complete our assisgnments, practicles and projects before the deadlines. Three people sharing the same xerox copied notes to finish the assignment due next morning, bitching about the teachers and the education system all the while. Studying till 4-6 am for exams and getting to sleep for only 2-3 hours and eventually giving the exams with a heavy head and bloodshot eyes! :P
Many a times I don’t show it or even realize it myself that I DID have some really crazy , fun memories with you; Irritating you when you used video-chat with GT.. Shooting your videos without your consent.. Mocking you..pulling your leg..calling you names etc. I never really liked our classmates, our college, Delhi university, or even Delhi as a city. But you were among the very very FEW things that made those three years of my life bearable and enjoyable. I haven opened up to you about a lot of things. You have become one of my closest friends. <3
We dreamt about studying abroad together, though you diverged a bit in between for a while but managed to get back on track later. We both achieved what we aimed for. Now you are in University of Sussex (congrats again)!! I feel so happy and so damn proud of both of us! Who would’ve thought the two ‘average’ students of our class; the ones who had a really bad impression on almost all professors; the “late comers” of our class would manage to get into good abroad universities? Except for the two of us and one other girl no one has done what we did :P See I am making us sound so cool & maverick like a bunch of trailblazers! We always aspired to do something better, something extraordinary. Now is the time when we are starting our new lives. I wish you lots and lots of happiness and success. I wish we could’ve met one last time before leaving India. Anyway…….. I hope you excel there and earn buttloads of money :P I hope all your professors and classmates love you (Some have already started calling you ‘Darling’ right? :P ). Other than that, I hope you always have a steaming hot love life. HAHA. :P I hope the same for both of us because we are good people and we deserve our due. :)
PS: I might have not included all our crazy memories here. But I want you to know I cherish & remember them all(I have a good memory!!)
As the time to go is approaching nearer, I should be feeling happy/sad/nostalgic or any other emotion but I am feeling NOTHING. Absolutely nothing!
Today is July 25th and my flight leaves India on August 15th ( which is when Indian’s celebrate Independence Day. How poetic, isn’t it? :p ) A very days are left and a hell lot of things are to be done- from packing to shopping to other important stuff. Instead of preparation what I do all day is- watch That 70s Show online. I love this show and I am glad I decided to start watching it. Watching all these actors in their teens is so much fun! (especially Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher). I’ve really started liking the character Steven Hyde :’) I’ve started using the catchphrase “BURRNNN” a lot these days and my mom looks at me confused :P it’s hilarious!
Anyway, getting back to the matter at hand. Should I be bothered about the fact that I am feeling pretty much NOTHING about my “last days at home” and “last days in India”. I mean should I be worried that I am not experiencing any kind of nostalgia about leaving home, my family, friends and country for a long time? My life is about to Change completely!! Am I expected to have an anxiety attack or a nervous breakdown? Yesterday a friend texted me and asked how I was feeling about leaving. I told him I feel nothing, I feel numb. It was then I realized the problem (or not-a-problem , I don’t know!). I think may be it’s better this way; to not think too much about the whole thing, to not feel too sad or happy. I want to take life as it comes. Whatever has to happen, will happen! I just know that I am extremely curious and mildly excited about everything that’s going to happen. From traveling alone in a plane for the first time, to changing flights at two different places I’ve never seen ( Frankfurt and Philadelphia), to meeting new people and new kinda people, to going on an apartment search in Albany, to progress successfully in Grad school, to find a job and earn money for the first time, to try different cuisines, to last but not the least- being independent.