Sad. Disappointed. Angry. Confused. Lost. Alone. That is how I’m feeling right now. Not being able to express what actually is going on inside my mind to others is too frustrating at times. On one hand, the people around you are thinking you are perfectly fine; nothing is bothering you; only because you never told them how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking. On the other hand, you are angry towards them because you feel they simply don’t care about you; they don’t understand you! You want to left alone, you don’t want to socialize, you don’t want to share the news with your friends.
I feel stuck.
I cry when Iam alone. I act completely non-chalant-ish in the presence of others. I simply have no idea what to do, and how to deal with the present circumstances.
I want somebody to help me. Just have no idea as to how to ask for help and whom?
When I mention about “help”, I DO NOT mean help from a shrink. I don’t need anything like that, I know. I just want someone to tell me that my situation is not as bad as I think it is, and everything will be alright soon.
When you have been working really hard for something from a really long time and the final end result is not just below your expectations but is very unsatisfactory.. You feel shattered to the core.
After so many days of preparation, apprehension, tension, stress, optimism, expectation, day dreaming, hardwork and stone hard motivation- when I saw my GRE score on the computer screen, my body & brain went numb. I could actually hear the noise of multitudes of glass pieces breaking. I felt weak, heart-broken and extremely disappointed. I felt as if i’d lost a battle I was sure of winning. How could God do this with me? I don’t deserve this! What about all those days of nerve-wrecking hardwork? What about all that time, energy, hopes, and money!!?? What about the expectations of so many family members? What about all those prayers? What did I do to deserve all this?
I am sad. Obviously. Doomed with despodency to the core.
Although I also know this is not the end of the world. There ARE other options. I desperately want my parents to understand that the reason behind my weird behavior is this disappointment with myself. It’ll probably take some to settle. Though I appear chilled out.. Watching T.V all day.. Not doing any daily household chores..Not talking.. But please understand the reason behind my behavior. I feel as if my very spirit has been crushed.
I also want my career counseller to give me something atleast close to a good news! I want her to tell me that I can still manage a decent college with this score. I want her to guide me with whatever I should do next, as I feel totally lost right now.
It is unbelievable that after so much, I still have some amount of optimism left inside. I am thoroughly surprised with myself. A teeny-tiny ray of hope is still present somewhere. I am in a state of despair, but I will still keep hoping. Because it is something I have full control on. I fact, I think it is the only thing in my life right now on which I have control!! Hope is what is keeping me from having a full blown nervous breakdown. No matter what has happened with me and how angry I feel towards my luck, my destiny and God.. I will not stop hoping!! I will use it as weapon to fight this ennervating sadness. I still believe in the power of positive thinking. I am heartbroken and weak but I will still keep hoping. 😥
P.S- Thank you once again dear blog for catharsis.
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