You realize that something is really not right when you notice that you’re in tears with food in your mouth while watching a comedy show on Netflix.
As a matter of fact, there is not a single day when I’m not in tears. It is Sunday night right now. The weekend has ended. I did not even step outside my home since the past three days.
Friends advice me to “try and chill the fuck out!” , and distract my mind to stop having sad thoughts and to stop myself from missing someone I recently cut-off from my life. Well, I took their advice and tried to distract myself by submerging myself into the oh-so-entertaining world of Netflix or like I usually call it “binge netflixing”. No, it is certainly not the best solution to deal with emotional problems. Yes, it does work to some extent. However, even netflixing all the time proves useless at times. For instance, what happened just five minutes back. I was watching a comedy tv series on Netflix while having dinner. Not realizing when my mind wandered off and started thinking about some memories; some really amazing memories, I was in tears! Sobbing like a pathetic little girl.
It is not just about a person. I’m not saying that having a boyfriend will solve all my troubles and without a boyfriend I cannot be Happy. As Gestalt school of thought purports, whatever I’m going through nowadays is a summation of everything. I’m looking at the whole, not the single separate parts. One might say this is just a phase. It will pass. May be it is just an early mid-life crisis. I don’t know. I have millions of questions without any answers. It is frustrating.
I feel week. I feel directionless. Life seems purposeless and meaningless. Like I’m not important. Like I’m not making a difference in the world or anyone’s life. Like nobody is scared to lose me. I wish human beings did not have the basic need of belongingness. Urgh. Why?!?
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not in depression. I cook regularly. I exercise regularly. Try to take care of myself. Try to finish homework on time. I am surviving. I’m not depressed. Just chronically sad.
I can’t do anything but to not pay too much heed to all these negative thoughts and just go with the flow (like a bloody dead fish).
I’m bored out of my mind. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I am sick of binge netflixing!
Of course there are plenty of things I could do to save myself from dying out of boredom. However there’s nothing that I really want to do! Urgh. Why does life have to be so difficult?
It’s not really about passing my time productively or any tangible/material thing. It’s a prolonged sense of meaninglessness and purposelessness in life. Like I’m just dragging myself through this passage of life.
Friends advice me to find a “hobby”, to learn something new, or to start dating again. To be honest I’d rather kill myself than start dating. And talking about a new hobby.. Umm I don’t think it’s possible for a ridiculously lazy 24 year old female to suddenly pick up knitting or painting to spend her time in a more productive manner. I’d rather watch something on Netflix. But I’m beginning to get sick of that too. Oh my Gosh I’m stuck in vicious cycle. 😫😫