Category Archives: Memoirs

Look what I found!

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I was going through my YouTube account and came across this- A video made by one of best friends long back. It’s a tad bit childish but watching it again after such a long time brought back so many amazing memories! It mainly includes pictures from our time in Pune through grade 10th,11th and 12th. Plus, I just love what she has written about me (except for the lesbian partner thing 😛 )
Thank you dear Nilufer for this sweeeet gesture 🙂

I can never ever forget those three years. Those life-altering years.

We three are still great friends and I thank them for tolerating my weirdness and always being there. I do not say it to them but its true that I love them! I hope the bond remains forever.

P.S: One of my earliest posts was about one of these chicks : https://catharsishungry07.wordpress.com/2012/10/28/this-ones-solely-for-you-pikkudi/

We’ll be Friends Forever, won’t we, Pooh?’ asked Piglet.
Even longer,’ Pooh answered.”
                   ― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

An ode to Friendship.

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I am a big procrastinator. I humbly agree. No arguments there. Why you ask? Because I finally decided to write this post on 30th July but ended up writing nothing except the word Vartika in the title 😛

This one’s for you Vartika , Also known as Autistica (by me mostly :P). I have multiple reasons for writing this post . Firstly, Friendships day passes a few days back. Secondly, I had promised a post dedicated to you LONG back. Yes, I do remember and may be you had forgotten about it! Thirdly, you’ve moved to UK and have started a whole new life.

Okay so let us begin.

It was a boring lecture going on in our college. I was relatively new and was sitting alone in the corner of the classroom, secretly munching parle-G biscuits from my bag in order to fight my hunger and boredom. You, a skinny spectacled quirky girl, walked in the middle of the lecture as a ‘new student’ in our B.A Honors Psychology class. You instinctively sat beside me as I had an empty chair beside me ( and because of Destiny I believe 😛 ). This is how we first met and the rest is history.

My first impression of you was of a studious and weird personality ( I find 99.99% people “weird” initially so..chill). We weren’t exactly friends until that event sponsored by Pepsi in our college (You remember??). All of us were dancing and that was the time we both sort of ‘clicked’ for the first time. I hope you remember our over-enthusiastic dance moves 😛

We became PG mates in the second year and roommates in the final year of college. Staying under the same roof and going to the same college, same classes for two years led to solidification of this dosti. I always found you extremely eccentric, quirky, peculiar etc. Still do and you know that very well 😛 I mean come on who cries while *ooping ? 😛 Eventually I realized how much our wavelengths matched and how much better you were from everyone else (and I accepted you despite your weirdness 😉 ).

I remember how we used to spend hours and hours indulging in grave discussions. Even during the crucial examination times!! Our discussions included a wide range of topics from our faulty education system, gossip about classmates, music, sharing the same likes and dislikes, childhood stories, elaborate future planning (mostly day dreaming),to the meaning of life. If you look back you’ll see how MUCH we’ve talked! Especially when we had an exam the next day! Those pointless and endless discussions were so much fun! I have to admit, I do miss them sometimes.

And of course… how can I forget those random outbursts of the inner dancer in you? Or should I say “item girl”? 😛 I can never forget how much you loved dancing. I was watching all my phone videos and my youtube videos the other day, only to find that most of the videos are your dancing videos! 😛  I still cringe when I think about that unfortunate period of time when you and Monika used to listen to super irritating c-grade punjabi songs all the time!! ALL the time!! Uff. AND, The constant struggles to complete our assisgnments, practicles and projects before the deadlines. Three people sharing the same xerox copied notes to finish the assignment due next morning, bitching about the teachers and the education system all the while. Studying till 4-6 am for exams and getting to sleep for only 2-3 hours and eventually giving the exams with a heavy head and bloodshot eyes! 😛

Many a times I don’t show it or even realize it myself that I DID have some really crazy , fun memories with you; Irritating you when you used video-chat with GT.. Shooting your videos without your consent.. Mocking you..pulling your leg..calling you names etc. I never really liked our classmates, our college, Delhi university, or even Delhi as a city. But you were among the very very FEW things that made those three years of my life bearable and enjoyable. I haven opened up to you about a lot of things. You have become one of my closest friends. ❤

Arey! Yeh kaun hai?

Arey! Yeh kaun hai?

We dreamt about studying abroad together, though you diverged a bit in between for a while but managed to get back on track later. We both achieved what we aimed for. Now you are in University of Sussex (congrats again)!! I feel so happy and so damn proud of both of us! Who would’ve thought the two ‘average’ students of our class; the ones who had a really bad impression on almost all professors; the “late comers” of our class would manage to get into good abroad universities? Except for the two of us and one other girl no one has done what we did 😛 See I am making us sound so cool & maverick like a bunch of trailblazers! We always aspired to do something better, something extraordinary. Now is the time when we are starting our new lives. I wish you lots and lots of happiness and success. I wish we could’ve met one last time before leaving India. Anyway…….. I hope you excel there and earn buttloads of money 😛 I hope all your professors and classmates love you (Some have already started calling you ‘Darling’ right? 😛 ). Other than that, I hope you always have a steaming hot love life. HAHA. 😛 I hope the same for both of us because we are good people and we deserve our due. 🙂

PS: I might have not included all our crazy memories here. But I want you to know I cherish & remember them all(I have a good memory!!)

Perfect example of our random bouts of craziness. I still don't know why we tore the wall decorations and 'Decorated' ourselves with those filthy ribbons!

Perfect example of our random bouts of craziness. I still don’t know why we tore the wall decorations and ‘Decorated’ ourselves with those filthy ribbons!

The Tattoo I made on your shoulder :P

The Tattoo I made on your shoulder 😛

Our Fake Couple picture attempt on Valentines day :P

Our Fake Couple picture attempt on Valentines day 😛

 

 

Time for my Happy Dance!

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Aaah! I am so happy today! More relieved than happy actually.

Because today I received  the Admission confirmation letter from State University of New York at Albany (for MA in Industrial/organisational Psychology).. YAY 😀

There was a time when I was thinking may be none of the universities I am applying to will accept me. This is the first admission confirmation I have received. I’m in an absolute blissful state right now 😛 Now I’m beginning to think that most probably the other universities I have applied to, will give me admission as well. 😀 I just have to wait for their respective review processes to finish. But for now I’m delighted to have atleast one university in hand.

I want to thank all the concerned people of State university of New York-Albany for making this decision. It is so difficult to handle my excitement right now! The United States of America, I am coming!!!!! I will be the first in my entire family to go abroad for higher studies…Isn’t that cool?

Is anyone from SUNY-Albany reading this?? Would love to know inside-details about it! By the way, I don’t know if I’m pronouncing the name right.. How is ALBANY pronounced anyway? Is it el-baah-nee or aal-bunny or what?? I’d appreciate a little help 🙂

My family members are even more excited than I am. Some were on the verge of shedding tears of joy. It was a little awkward moment but thankfully no one cried. Phew.

Keeping my fingers tightly crossed for the rest of the universities’ decisions.

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THANK YOU SO MUCH UNIVERSE. THANK YOU.

 

P.S. What are you waiting for? Where are your manners? Come on, Congratulate me! 😛

Time Heals : A myth.

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I’ve heard everyone say that Time heals everything. “Give it a little time”. Time.Time.TIME!

But does time really heal all wounds? I do not think time is the best healer.

I believe there is something much more important and vital than time. The
first step to the healing process (in simpler words : Moving on) is nothing but ACCEPTANCE! Yes. If you’re trying to move-on ; don’t be a fool and just sit there ‘giving time’ (as they all say). Time DOES NOT HEAL. Period.

“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”
― Rose Kennedy

I’ll repeat myself. The first step to the process of healing is Acceptance. One has to come out of the delusional realm of denial . You have to get in touch with the reality, no matter how harsh it is; no matter how unbelievable it is. Get a grip on reality (the present) and accept whatever has happened. Just doing this will make the gruesome task of ‘moving on’ 50% less difficult.

After you have accepted your reality and your fate, leave the rest to the oh-so-powerful TIME. Without acceptance even time can not help you lessen the pain.

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Yeah. In a nutshell….

It took me months and months to even think about deleting all the old messages. It took me quite a while to find the strength to reread those messages and just erase them all. It is very difficult to just chuck out a person from your memory. Especially when that person had become so important to you. I would be lying if I say that I managed to erase all memories. This is what happens when you become SO emotionally attached to someone. I had to save some memories i.e, the texts, the emails, the stupid never-ending conversations etc. Why? because I just had to!
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For me the art of letting go has always been very difficult. I’m well aware of the fact that many people think it’s silly and crazy. They ask what is the big deal? But I am not someone who gives an explanation or justification to everyone. I don’t care what they think. They probably wont even understand if I ever tried explaining.
My case is different because whatever happened, happened so out-of-the-blue. I never got any closure. That’s the main reason which drove me crazy! For me it was like being on cloud 9 and feeling pure bliss one day , then being abandoned the very next day. It’s like getting dumped without knowing the reason; the only difference was I didn’t know I got dumped for like a month week! And also it was not a conventional ‘relationship’. Yet, whatever it was, it was something very intense & intimate (emotionally) for me. I had gotten way too attached with the other person.

I don’t want an apology. I just need an explanation.

I started my blog with that thought [ https://catharsishungry07.wordpress.com/2012/10/12/how-can-i-forget-you-when-everything-reminds-me-of-you/ ] ,  and am still stuck somewhere there. The only difference is I don’t feel so pathetic & miserable anymore. And now when I read what I wrote, I feel a little weird. I mean how could I sum up SO much in just about 10 lines? It’s funny. But in my heart I know how tough it was; I remember writing my first-ever blog post with a very heavy heart.

Wow

Wow. This is such a great example. Sometimes a random post on your Facebook newsfeed makes you realize about stuff and LEARN.

Have similar stories/experiences? I’d love to hear!

A Poem for me: Part II.

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So I was (again) going through my old emails, (Yes I do that a lot…), and I came across yet another poem written by the same person who wrote the first one : http://wp.me/p2O7aw-4I .

WILD GEESE                                                                                                                      Dated: 3rd May’12

Fatigued I was,
’twas a long day’s work.
I looked out the window,
where my eyes still lurk.

Above I saw, wild geese flying,
to elevate higher, they were all trying.
Tiring it must be, to keep with the flow,
from amongst them geese I saw,
two fly very low.
Lower they came,
to my garden so rosy,
their beaks rubbed against each other,
it made them look cozy.
Drowned they seemed,
in their dear mate
like the world didn’t matter,
and neither should fate.

Their beaks caressed, kneaded in love,
like the eagle now feared, the peaceful white dove.
Her consort flapped his feathers,
displayed his panache
apprehensive still, the flamboyance shouldn’t backlash.

She gestured to him,
she did seem pleased,
could be difficult to charm her,
had he then eased.

It seemed like a decade,
that they hadn’t met
both of them seemed euphoric,
it was most halcyon yet.

Their feathers touched deeply,
they appeared enfold,
Indeed in realms like this,
love does mould.

A cackle above discomposed me,
a call from the geese,
they flew away, away from love,
in a cold sullen breeze.

Friends part forever- wild geese, lost in cloud.

This one is far better than the previous one. He said it is metaphorically about us, and was written after we met for the first time after 10 years. Honestly speaking I got very emotional when I read it for the first time. And a little sentimental today as I read it after ages again. Also, I am realizing too late that I should’ve paid more attention to the last line “Friends part forever..”. Should’ve taken a hint.

A Poem for ME..

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I was clearing my yahoo email inbox today. And I found something about which I had totally forgotten ( Okay, I’m lying. Never forgot about this particular thingy). This is a POEM written for me by someone from my past. This is something which sort of blew my mind when I read it for the first time. I felt on top of the world and couldn’t believe that someone could write such lovely niceties for someone like me. I had saved it in th “Drafts” as I treasured it.
But I see no point in holding on any longer. Thus, I feel no hesitation in sharing it with the world. These words mean nothing to me now as I have realised these are nothing but hollow words! Words which have been arranged to form a meaningful poetry but have no real meaning.. Words meant only to impress.. Words which came NOT from the core of the poet’s heart. Well, if this is what I think about this poem, then why don’t I just delete it and move on? End the case? Because,  no matter how hollow and meaningless it is. No matter how naive it is (and kind of funny in some some parts), it is something which was once very close to my heart. It is something which made me smile and feel extremely special once! 

I was having a little guilt feeling about sharing this, but it vanished when I reasoned with myself and thought – he probably must be writing such ( much better ones and not childish like this one) poems for someone else right now..

So here it is:
(Written in 2010)

“Days are stressful,taxing and hard,
and all my happy thoughts,
that I usually discard,
come to the fore,
at the onset of anything bore,
which distract and kill,
but provide a lot of thrill,
such a thrill has been you,
and people like this are really few,
every moment with you seems new,
like the beautiful sunrise,
and the morning dew.!

Whenever I access my facebook wall,
It’s you, to whom my mind gives a call,
problems,though many at times seem tall,
but when I feel your presence, they become really small.
Even thinking of you, brings a smile,
and this smile comes every while,
smooth and shiny,
like a bathroom tile.!
like when you see picturesque mountains,
stretching longer than a mile.

Every text i forward,
is always sent to you,
a reply is always anticipated,
which I always get, so I feel very obliged to you!

I christened you doe,
for your beautiful eyes,
and whatever you do, they always look nice!
Your long and dark hair,
always invite a stare,
your beauty is distinct,
your mind is wise,
wit,intelligence and inner strength,
also follow you like spies,
Your smile sets you apart,
especially when your lips part!.
I then get a glimpse of your pearly white,
which are equally attractive and  very bright.

Your voice shows smartness,
the inner you,
pretty hard for me then,
to not think of you.

The moments we shared,
though we never met,
have always been special,
and some even included a bet!

I remember each moment,
though I forgot almost every other thing,
each memory about you is fresh with me,
even if it had no zing.,
a plain greeting is equally remembered,
like some fan club of you,
to which I’ve been membered .

You in the blank saree,
made a stunning combination,
which has been stuck,
in my mind’s documentation,
If beauty is synonymous with looking good,
then you are a fairy,
who even eats food.

I feel very pained when I face the reality,
that you don’t wanna be mine,
and then I feel the gravity.
My heart doesn’t agree that  this can’t happen,
and thinks about you,
whenever it feels dampned,
the ink will run out,
your eyes may tire,
but my thoughts won’t stop,
as you are the only one I heartily admire.

Those minutes are few,
when I amn’t thinking of you,
cause true love is rare,
and does need a lot of care,
it never has any fare,
but all it mostly evokes, is a surprised stare.

I must end now,
cause I don’t wanna bore,
same silly things again,
which I think you do abhor,
I’ll never give up,
neither will I move on,
cause I remember you each moment,
from dusk till dawn…..”

I haven’t edited anything, just copy-pasted the entire thing here. Call me crazy but I don’t enjoy poems. Never have. Can’t figure out why people like poetry??