I’m thinking about a million things while tears are streaming down my face nonstop. The comedy show playing on Netflix isn’t helping. So many feelings! So many emotions! This feels like weird kind of pain. Difficult to express or explain to anybody. Is this how it is going to be forever? Endless suffering all alone? I really wish I was like a typical guy; running away from my feelings & emotions , and not feeling the need to talk about them with someone. Sucks to be a sensitive female. Why does life have to be so hard? As I try to wipe my never ending tears , I’m thinking about my mom’s words. Constantly telling me that I’m devoid of emotions. How do I tell her that I’m the opposite of what she thinks of me. How do I tell her about the uncountable number of times I cried myself to sleep?
I can’t help but wonder about the purpose of this life. What is the point of it? It is just an endless vicious cycle of ups and downs. Whenever something good happens, it just means that something bad is right around the corner.
The truth is life is a constant struggle and one has to struggle with it all alone. You are all alone in the world. All alone. On your own.
When will this end? This shitty struggle of a life.
You realize that something is really not right when you notice that you’re in tears with food in your mouth while watching a comedy show on Netflix.
As a matter of fact, there is not a single day when I’m not in tears. It is Sunday night right now. The weekend has ended. I did not even step outside my home since the past three days.
Friends advice me to “try and chill the fuck out!” , and distract my mind to stop having sad thoughts and to stop myself from missing someone I recently cut-off from my life. Well, I took their advice and tried to distract myself by submerging myself into the oh-so-entertaining world of Netflix or like I usually call it “binge netflixing”. No, it is certainly not the best solution to deal with emotional problems. Yes, it does work to some extent. However, even netflixing all the time proves useless at times. For instance, what happened just five minutes back. I was watching a comedy tv series on Netflix while having dinner. Not realizing when my mind wandered off and started thinking about some memories; some really amazing memories, I was in tears! Sobbing like a pathetic little girl.
It is not just about a person. I’m not saying that having a boyfriend will solve all my troubles and without a boyfriend I cannot be Happy. As Gestalt school of thought purports, whatever I’m going through nowadays is a summation of everything. I’m looking at the whole, not the single separate parts. One might say this is just a phase. It will pass. May be it is just an early mid-life crisis. I don’t know. I have millions of questions without any answers. It is frustrating.
I feel week. I feel directionless. Life seems purposeless and meaningless. Like I’m not important. Like I’m not making a difference in the world or anyone’s life. Like nobody is scared to lose me. I wish human beings did not have the basic need of belongingness. Urgh. Why?!?
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not in depression. I cook regularly. I exercise regularly. Try to take care of myself. Try to finish homework on time. I am surviving. I’m not depressed. Just chronically sad.
I can’t do anything but to not pay too much heed to all these negative thoughts and just go with the flow (like a bloody dead fish).