You realize that something is really not right when you notice that you’re in tears with food in your mouth while watching a comedy show on Netflix.
As a matter of fact, there is not a single day when I’m not in tears. It is Sunday night right now. The weekend has ended. I did not even step outside my home since the past three days.
Friends advice me to “try and chill the fuck out!” , and distract my mind to stop having sad thoughts and to stop myself from missing someone I recently cut-off from my life. Well, I took their advice and tried to distract myself by submerging myself into the oh-so-entertaining world of Netflix or like I usually call it “binge netflixing”. No, it is certainly not the best solution to deal with emotional problems. Yes, it does work to some extent. However, even netflixing all the time proves useless at times. For instance, what happened just five minutes back. I was watching a comedy tv series on Netflix while having dinner. Not realizing when my mind wandered off and started thinking about some memories; some really amazing memories, I was in tears! Sobbing like a pathetic little girl.
It is not just about a person. I’m not saying that having a boyfriend will solve all my troubles and without a boyfriend I cannot be Happy. As Gestalt school of thought purports, whatever I’m going through nowadays is a summation of everything. I’m looking at the whole, not the single separate parts. One might say this is just a phase. It will pass. May be it is just an early mid-life crisis. I don’t know. I have millions of questions without any answers. It is frustrating.
I feel week. I feel directionless. Life seems purposeless and meaningless. Like I’m not important. Like I’m not making a difference in the world or anyone’s life. Like nobody is scared to lose me. I wish human beings did not have the basic need of belongingness. Urgh. Why?!?
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not in depression. I cook regularly. I exercise regularly. Try to take care of myself. Try to finish homework on time. I am surviving. I’m not depressed. Just chronically sad.
I can’t do anything but to not pay too much heed to all these negative thoughts and just go with the flow (like a bloody dead fish).
I’m bored out of my mind. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I am sick of binge netflixing!
Of course there are plenty of things I could do to save myself from dying out of boredom. However there’s nothing that I really want to do! Urgh. Why does life have to be so difficult?
It’s not really about passing my time productively or any tangible/material thing. It’s a prolonged sense of meaninglessness and purposelessness in life. Like I’m just dragging myself through this passage of life.
Friends advice me to find a “hobby”, to learn something new, or to start dating again. To be honest I’d rather kill myself than start dating. And talking about a new hobby.. Umm I don’t think it’s possible for a ridiculously lazy 24 year old female to suddenly pick up knitting or painting to spend her time in a more productive manner. I’d rather watch something on Netflix. But I’m beginning to get sick of that too. Oh my Gosh I’m stuck in vicious cycle. 😫😫
I live in a very very windy place. Albany is located in upstate New York and it is extremely windy throughout the year.
When I first came here from India, the loud whistling sound of these winds used to scare me. I had a hard time getting used to this place initially. I wasn’t accustomed to so much peace and quite. This place wasn’t noisy twenty four seven like India. In my earlier days here the sound of the glass windows of my room shaking used to frighten me. I felt like the strong breeze would crack these windows and there’d be shattered glass pieces all over my room. It never happened thankfully.
I love it now. The absence of non-stop noise. I just love the serenity and tranquility. Most of the time you can just hear the sound of wind and nothing else. Makes you realize the might of Mother Nature. It’s an oddly pleasing feeling. Almost indescribable. Like you know how chilly and powerful these winds are, and yet you are absolutely safe in the comfort of your home. But when you stop and listen to the sound of this mesmerizing breeze every once in a while, you forget about all other things for that moment. It is almost like brief concentrated moments of meditation.
“Strange things blow in through my window on the wings of the night wind and I don’t worry about my destiny.” ~Carl Sandburg
Wow. Didn’t expect it to feel this weird.
I am writing on my blog after three months, and to be honest I sure did miss being here!
Just to quickly walk you through the major reasons why I decided to write today even though I have four big submissions due in 3 effing days (Man, Grad school is such a pain in the neck!).. Firstly, I’m hormonal ( PMS is a bitc*, right ladies?). The level & frequency of my over-thinking has doubled, my emotions are going crazy, the evil pms hormones are making me have drastic erratic mood swings , and, well is there a need for more?? Secondly, I was very recently let down by a good friend. Not sure if I must still address that person as my “good friend”. I am so pissed right now that I’m having thoughts like having no expectations from anyone EVER, not to trust another person ever, and so on.
It is not the first time another human being disappointed me & led me to think this way. It has obviously happened before. I mean come on, lets face it, people are idiots. Yes, they’re all jerks. It is never a good idea to expect anything from others. Trust me, 90 percent of the times you will fall flat on your face. You might argue that I’m being too harsh mainly because I’m pms-ing. Well, you are probably right. Anyhow, knowing that wouldn’t stop me from writing this post.
So where was I ? Oh yes. People are jerks. To be truthful, I don’t need people in my life who wouldn’t think twice before ditching me. People who aren’t dependable. People who also have a discrepancy between what they say & what they do. Why should I voluntarily chose for such people to be close to me? Why? I can’t think of a legit answer. I mean, why the hell should I let myself be treated like this? Why should I take crap from anybody?
Others letting you down time & again is not even the worst part. The worst part is them not even realizing what they’ve done. Or realizing it yet not feeling sorry.
If you have any experiences when others let you down, ditched you or disappointed you, please do hit the like button & share your comments!