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Existential crisis ?

I’m thinking about a million things while tears are streaming down my face nonstop. The comedy show playing on Netflix isn’t helping. So many feelings! So many emotions! This feels like weird kind of pain. Difficult to express or explain to anybody. Is this how it is going to be forever? Endless suffering all alone? I really wish I was like a typical guy; running away from my feelings & emotions , and not feeling the need to talk about them with someone. Sucks to be a sensitive female. Why does life have to be so hard? As I try to wipe my never ending tears , I’m thinking about my mom’s words. Constantly telling me that I’m devoid of emotions. How do I tell her that I’m the opposite of what she thinks of me. How do I tell her about the uncountable number of times I cried myself to sleep? 

I can’t help but wonder about the purpose of this life. What is the point of it? It is just an endless vicious cycle of ups and downs. Whenever something good happens, it just means that something bad is right around the corner. 

The truth is life is a constant struggle and one has to struggle with it all alone. You are all alone in the world. All alone. On your own. 

When will this end? This shitty struggle of a life. 

I’m not crazy about alcohol. Big deal?

Everyone I know, like literally everyone I know is crazy about getting drunk. I don’t get it. Many of them don’t get me. They think I’m weird. But I think it is weird that others do not understand my disinterest (hatred almost) for substances that get you drunk and/or high. 

Most people I know are “dependent” on alcohol. They can not even think of having a “fun time” without it. Frankly, it makes me feel disgusted. You really do not see a problem on being so deeply dependent on a harmful substance? Really? When near and dear ones get drunk too often or drink on a regular basis, I genuinely feel very concerned. However, there’s pretty much nothing I can do. My words won’t make a difference. Such people always use rationalization as a defense mechanism to explain their dependance on alcohol. They say stuff like “I don’t drink a lot”, “I only drink on weekends”, “I try to eat healthy so my drinking doesn’t cause any harm to me”, “it’s just beer!”.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying no one should consume even a single drop of alcohol ever. That’s impossible. I don’t really have an issue with people who tend to drink occasionally and know their limits; people who can’t survive without it; and people who are capable of having a good time without alcohol. The only thing that bothers me is the substance dependence . And guess what, it does harm your body.

 Being a Psych major student, we learned about the effects of alcohol and other substances on the brain  in a lot of details. I come from a family where all males are very fond of drinking. I’ve seen a lot drink behavior in my home right from childhood. I’ve read many studies on the negative impact of alcohol consumption on the body. The liver, the heart, etc etc. Most importantly why do people totally ignore the fact that IT IS AN ADDICTIVE substance? I cannot stress this enough! 

I’ve never really been interested in getting high or drunk. I have tried a lot of alcoholic beverages because of my dad. He made me taste stuff. But I never got the craze to get drunk. Never. If you think about it, everyone starts drinking as a result of social / peer pressure. Think about it. When you were a teenager, you did not just randomly think one day that “I want to drink alcohol and get sloshed”. No. I think in almost all cases you had your first drink with your friends, when they passed on a can / bottle / mug to you and told you to give it a try. You might’ve not even liked it at first. But you did it anyway because all your friends were. Eventually you got so dependent on it that if a party has no alcohol you get bummed out. Bam! You are dependent, dear sir. Yes you are. 

Okay I agree when you word hard all week, drinking on weekends is “necessary” for you or whatever. But I know people who don’t think drinking 2-3 cans of beer daily and then binge drinking on weekends is bad for them. Damn son. Alcohol runs in your veins instead of blood. 

It is not just about getting drunk, I have always had a negative attitude towards needing any “substance” to have fun or escape reality. The fact is, most of these substances are harmful to your body and cause addiction. Overindulgence will cause addiction and harm on your body. These are facts. The weird part is, we all know these facts. However, some of us totally block these out of our knowledge. 

All that being said, yes I personally do not drink. I never feel the need to get high/stoned/drunk/hammered/sloshed or whatever. I never WANT to feel the need too. I have a lot of fun without it. I like to experience life in full consiousness. I’m in the prime of my youth. I want to maintain a healthy lifestyle, avoid anything unhealthy as much as I can, I want to respect and take care of my body. My future well being depends on how I treat myself now. ..And I genuinely worry about my family members and close dear friends who are on the brink of becoming alcoholics. I really wish I could do something to see the problem with thei alcohol dependency 😦 

PS. Do post a comment below if you agree with me on any level. I’d love to know that I’m not the only one who never feels the need to get drunk.

Tough Decisions

Chronic unhappiness

You realize that something is really not right when you notice that you’re in tears with food in your mouth while watching a comedy show on Netflix.

As a matter of fact, there is not a single day when I’m not in tears. It is Sunday night right now. The weekend has ended. I did not even step outside my home since the past three days. 

Friends advice me to “try and chill the fuck out!” , and distract my mind to stop having sad thoughts and to stop myself from missing someone I recently cut-off from my life. Well, I took their advice and tried to distract myself by submerging myself into the oh-so-entertaining world of Netflix or like I usually call it “binge netflixing”. No, it is certainly not the best solution to deal with emotional problems. Yes, it does work to some extent. However, even netflixing all the time proves useless at times. For instance, what happened just five minutes back. I was watching a comedy tv series on Netflix while having dinner. Not realizing when my mind wandered off and started thinking about some memories; some really amazing memories, I was in tears! Sobbing like a pathetic little girl. 

It is not just about a person. I’m not saying that having a boyfriend will solve all my troubles and without a boyfriend I cannot be Happy. As Gestalt school of thought purports, whatever I’m going through nowadays is a summation of everything. I’m looking at the whole, not the single separate parts. One might say this is just a phase. It will pass. May be it is just an early mid-life crisis. I don’t know. I have millions of questions without any answers. It is frustrating. 

I feel week. I feel directionless. Life seems purposeless and meaningless. Like I’m not important. Like I’m not making a difference in the world or anyone’s life. Like nobody is scared to lose me. I wish human beings did not have the basic need of belongingness. Urgh. Why?!?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not in depression. I cook regularly. I exercise regularly. Try to take care of myself. Try to finish homework on time. I am surviving. I’m not depressed. Just chronically sad.

 I can’t do anything but to not pay too much heed to all these negative thoughts and just go with the flow (like a bloody dead fish). 

Boredom

I’m bored out of my mind. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I am sick of binge netflixing! 

Of course there are plenty of things I could do to save myself from dying out of boredom. However there’s nothing that I really want to do! Urgh. Why does life have to be so difficult? 

It’s not really about passing my time productively or any tangible/material thing. It’s a prolonged sense of meaninglessness and purposelessness in life. Like I’m just dragging myself through this passage of life. 

Friends advice me to find a “hobby”, to learn something new, or to start dating again. To be honest I’d rather kill myself than start dating. And talking about a new hobby.. Umm I don’t think it’s possible for a ridiculously lazy 24 year old female to suddenly pick up knitting or painting to spend her time in a more productive manner. I’d rather watch something on Netflix. But I’m beginning to get sick of that too. Oh my Gosh I’m stuck in vicious cycle. 😫😫

The sound of wind

I live in a very very windy place. Albany is located in upstate New York and it is extremely windy throughout the year. 

When I first came here from India, the loud whistling sound of these winds used to scare me. I had a hard time getting used to this place initially. I wasn’t accustomed to so much peace and quite. This place wasn’t noisy twenty four seven like India. In my earlier days here the sound of the glass windows of my room shaking used to frighten me. I felt like the strong breeze would crack these windows and there’d be shattered glass pieces all over my room. It never happened thankfully. 

I love it now. The absence of non-stop noise. I just love the serenity and tranquility. Most of the time you can just hear the sound of wind and nothing else. Makes you realize the might of Mother Nature. It’s an oddly pleasing feeling. Almost indescribable. Like you know how chilly and powerful these winds are, and yet you are absolutely safe in the comfort of your home. But when you stop and listen to the sound of this mesmerizing breeze every once in a while, you forget about all other things for that moment. It is almost like brief concentrated moments of meditation. 
“Strange things blow in through my window on the wings of the night wind and I don’t worry about my destiny.” ~Carl Sandburg

People are stupid.

Wow. Didn’t expect it to feel this weird.
I am writing on my blog after three months, and to be honest I sure did miss being here!

Just to quickly walk you through the major reasons why I decided to write today even though I have four big submissions due in 3 effing days (Man, Grad school is such a pain in the neck!).. Firstly, I’m hormonal ( PMS is a bitc*, right ladies?). The level & frequency of my over-thinking has doubled, my emotions are going crazy, the evil pms hormones are making me have drastic erratic mood swings , and, well is there a need for more?? Secondly, I was very recently let down by a good friend. Not sure if I must still address that person as my “good friend”. I am so pissed right now that I’m having thoughts like having no expectations from anyone EVER, not to trust another person ever, and so on.

It is not the first time another human being disappointed me & led me to think this way. It has obviously happened before. I mean come on, lets face it, people are idiots. Yes, they’re all jerks. It is never a good idea to expect anything from others. Trust me, 90 percent of the times you will fall flat on your face. You might argue that I’m being too harsh mainly because I’m pms-ing. Well, you are probably right. Anyhow, knowing that wouldn’t stop me from writing this post.

So where was I ? Oh yes. People are jerks. To be truthful, I don’t need people in my life who wouldn’t think twice before ditching me. People who aren’t dependable. People who also have a discrepancy between what they say & what they do. Why should I voluntarily chose for such people to be close to me? Why? I can’t think of a legit answer. I mean, why the hell should I let myself be treated like this? Why should I take crap from anybody?

Others letting you down time & again is not even the worst part. The worst part is them not even realizing what they’ve done. Or realizing it yet not feeling sorry.

EXACTLY.

If you have any experiences when others let you down, ditched you or disappointed you, please do hit the like button & share your comments!

 

Incessant Yearning

Sigh…….

Umm..well…

What to do?